I reread the Book of Job, which was difficult to read and understand, but I felt so much pain and suffering as I read through it. Job suffered so much that it made me cry. While he does not know why he suffers, God tests him to bring his pain and grief to God and trust that He is wise and knows what He’s doing. At the same time, Satan messes with Job trying to prove a point to God. How awful to be put in the middle between good and evil. Reading the bible and writing about my spiritual experiences, I feel they coincide with all that happened to me. For years, I suffered from bipolar disorder and DID, having a mind split into different parts, and I felt so alone. I had so many bizarre heartrending experiences that are so unbelievably crazy yet amazing that it’s still hard to wrap my head around them. My husband witnessed it all, too, and he is flabbergasted. It traumatized him, making it hard to discuss his experiences with anyone. He can compartmentalize his own spiritual experiences numbing his feelings not to look back but move forward to work every day and keep the family together despite everything happening to him. He said it was okay for me to have a meltdown but never for him. I always seek help from friends and family, not knowing God is always with me, but I choose to ignore that fact because I don’t trust faith. Why am I keep suffering just like Job? I found faith again when God intervened, saving my safe. When I’m with God, I never have to explain my struggles. God knows everything that I’m going through. He listens when I learn to talk to him through prayers and to read His words. In the Book of Job, we see a man God allows to be directly attacked by Satan. He is an example of faithfulness as he loses everything necessary to him yet remains faithful to God. Its purpose is to illustrate God’s sovereignty and dedication during great suffering. I share what I learned about Job’s milestones.
The Book of Job questions God’s justice. God believes he stays faithful by testing him. Satan wants to prove to God that the upright and blameless Job will not continue to serve God if he loses everything. (I cried reading about Job’s suffering and how Satan wants to destroy Job so that he can prove his point makes me so angry) Job accuses God of acting unjustly, while his friends blame him for wrongdoing. They all believe God operates the universe according to the rules of justice. (I always question why God would allow us to suffer, and then I realize I’m so wronged)
Job Questions God. Job reviews his good works and questions why God would allow him to suffer, but he sees his pain through his limited view. (There was a time I had tunnel vision and couldn’t see beyond my pain)
God’s Virtual Tour. God responds to Job personally with a virtual tour of the world. He reminds Job that His worldview is infinite while Job’s view is limited. (I can relate with Job because I had to go beyond my view and finally found God to learn about His worldview)
Job Learns Trust. God doesn’t explain our suffering, but He reminds Job that we live in a complex world and asks us to trust His character and wisdom. (I came a long way to know this. God never explains but only guides us in life, and we need to trust him to show us the way.) Sometimes I get blinded by bright white light; it always makes me remember a past I had once experienced or that I’m currently going through a new spiritual experience. A flash of spiritual light carries more meaning than anyone realizes, so I must consider what it represents.
I love having conversations with people so I can pick their brains for inspiration and knowledge to hear different perspectives. Still, sometimes it’s not easy to talk about stuff I can’t explain, but when you want to know, ask because I don’t mind sharing it with you. Sometimes I see bright white light around people whom I feel are unique because I see there’s an aura shining out from them, eluding the peaceful feeling that makes whoever is sensitive to the supernatural would have that feeling. I hope I explained it and it makes sense. This topic is very ambiguous. Only God knows the meaning of why I see and feel strange things, but I believe that ever since my spiritual breakdown at Giver of Life Church has opened me up to the supernatural world. Whenever I tried to get help from others to get more understanding, it was unreal to them because they were living in the natural world. God often hears my desperate cry for help when I have no one to rescue me because my mind is malfunctioning. I stop seeking answers from other people and go straight to God with all my problems and questions. He never answers because I’m too hardheaded, wanting to do things myself instead of giving it all to God, and you know what? God let me figure it out on my own. He let me go through all the trials and tribulations, so I learn on my own, and when I completely break down. He waits patiently for me to cry, outreaching to him; that’s His way of teaching me a lesson. He always intervened when the enemies had overtaken my mind and body to pull me from the darkness back into the light to Him, and that’s what a father-daughter relationship is all about. A part of me needs to grow up, and God is always watching over me. Do you know I enjoy asking questions to get insight and have someone tell me how it is? I had complimented someone as wise, and he said, “It is not my wisdom Lena; it’s His. I have learned not to trust in my own heart or wisdom. God’s word and the Holy Spirit are the sources of all blessings and wisdom. Look to him. Remember, if we can’t trust our heart (Prov 28:26). We really can’t rely on anything other than God’s word.” He said he learned not to trust in his own heart. I’m afraid I have to disagree with that because your heart is where the Holy Spirit resides in you. You must trust your heart to receive God’s love. Seeing how God uses us to speak to those around us is incredible.Book of Job
