Why do I need to explain my bipolar disorder and DID? I have to go independently to find explanations because I’m trying to make sense of things. People think I can’t control myself sometimes. I understand that’s how I appear to them. If I had leukemia or diabetes, would you ask me why I can’t control my white blood cells or insulin? Bipolar is a physical illness affecting my brain chemistry, emotions, and moods. Bipolar is an illness that makes me respond to outside events with way over-the-top reactions. You may go through the same event and typically respond because your brain is normal. My brain can’t do this as well as yours can. My brain creates false emotions that are often very confusing and upsetting. It’s not something I do on purpose. I’m not weak, but I have a personality problem called DID. However, I no longer hear voices in my head due to the last deliverance I experienced at church. I have faith. I believe in God. I cast out all the evil spirits. I don’t drink anymore. I don’t party. I hardly go out to see my friends. It is not psychosis because medication suppresses that symptom.
Yet when big or small changes happen in everyday life, it puts me into mood swings, and the bipolar symptoms creep in during those nights, which causes me to feel the extreme adrenaline pumping from my brain that travels throughout my body. When this happens, I can’t sleep. Why can’t I sleep for days? The fact is that there is a chemical unbalance in my brain, but there has to be more than that. I eliminated all the triggers, yet sleepless nights are still happening. I’ve been like this for years. Why? Why does this keep happening? I know my behavior is often weird whenever I have an episode, and after every time it passes, I always try to work on improving myself. When family and friends help me get more stable, the weird behavior will also get better. I have an illness that makes it look like I have emotional issues, but I don’t. I have a brain that doesn’t react to things correctly. I’m fixing this by combining science (therapy & medications) and spirituality (God). The problem is that people don’t ask about bipolar or DID. So there’s a stigma about these two illnesses. Church chooses not to recognize this, calling it the devil’s work. Doctors can’t rely on anything spiritually because it is something they can’t prove exists. I am looking for a connection between science and spirituality. I agree that doctors can’t cure you, but they are the starting point for us to go when we get sick. They can only put the bandage over our wounds. On a deeper level, we must have faith in God or the higher power we believe in to heal us fully. I only want to understand myself, and asking for it makes me so irritated and pissed off at everyone and everything.
